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Tuesday, February 25, 2020

2020 Texas Gladiators (1983) mini-review

What better time to do a new year's tie-in review than near the end of February? Happy new year, I guess. Also this poster seriously had the balls to put the words "road warrior" on it? Come on!

Plot synopsis (taken from IMDB): "In a post-apocalyptic Texas, a band of warriors fight against a fascist regime that is trying to take control of all surviving population. "


Man, Italy sure fucking loved Mad Max during the eighties. Between 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Warriors of the Wasteland, Interzone, Raiders of Atlantis, Exterminators of the Year 3000, Warrior of the Lost World and today's feature you could argue that shitty Mad Max knock-offs were a genre in of themselves. Speaking of today's feature, 2020 Texas Gladiators was brought to us by the dynamic duo of and Joe D'Amato and George Eastman. Joe D'Amato was the director of such classics as Porno HolocaustZombie 5: Killing Birds, the second Troll 3, and Papaya, Love Godess of the Cannibals. George Eastman was the guy who played a a fetus eating monster in D'Amato's film Anthropophagus.
The esteemed fetus chewer not only co-directed the film but also wrote it and had a supporting role in it.



The Village People protagonists of our film. No I can't tell them apart either. 

That's pretty much all the info I could gather on this flick so let's just jump straight into the review. I'll get this out of the way first: I thought this movie was boring as all hell. You wanna know why this review took so long to write (outside of my ADHD and procrastination problems). Because I honestly had trouble coming up with anything to say about this movie. This movie is completely lacking in originality or creativity. Almost every cliché of 80's post apocalyptic films is in here.  An offscreen nuclear war? Check! A fascist regime who wants to take over for the fallen government? Check! It's Mad Max rip-off 101.

The first 20 minutes of this movie focus on this guy. He's unceremoniously killed off and then hardly ever brought up for the rest of it.


It'd be 1 thing if this movie was an unoriginal knock off that was really entertaining but alas that's not the case. There's not a whole lot of the gore, nudity and batshit insanity you and I want from exploitation films.  A movie called 2020 Texas Gladiators that has no gladiators and was shot in Italy shouldn't take itself so seriously.  This film has a lot of elements that should push it into so bad it's good territory: oiled up beefcakes with bad perms and poorly dubbed voices, native americans played by Italians in dollar store wigs and dodgy face paint, characters named "Catch Dog" and "Nisus" and action scene after action scene. Unfortunately the only part of this movie that I found really entertaining was the opening scene. Let me tell you: I was really excited to watch this movie when it opened up with dudes getting stabbed and nuns getting crucified. Unfortunatly it's all downhill after that and the rest of the picture is merely average.

There's a 10 to 15 minute stretch of this movie that takes place in this mine. It has no baring on the story and is never mentioned again after our heroes escape it.



This movies' not god-awful though. It's only 86 minutes long, there's a lot of action and there was nothing about this movie that made me angry. Honestly though that's another knock against it. It's one thing to be a bad movie, it's another to be a mediocre movie. In conclusion, you're not missing much if you don't watch it but you're not going to be miserable if you decide to check it out. God I really wish this review wasn't as short as it is but 2020 Texas Gladiators didn't give me much material to work with. I literally only picked this movie because it happened to take place this year. Sorry.

You know, all of this leaves me with 1 burning question: If I end this with "Happy New Year" would it be too late or too early?

If these guys are Native American than I'm the emperor of Japan.


Rating: 2 out of 4 stars.

Monday, January 6, 2020

New Year, New Content


We're almost a week into 2019 and If I had more than 1 follower they'd probably notice what a fuckin ghost town this blog is. I've been here for a year and I've only posted 3 reviews and spent more time reposting stuff I've uploaded to other sites. It's been months since I've written anything longer than a paragraph, let alone a review. There are various factors for this: Personal issues, a few months where I didn't have a working computer, my ADHD but there's a big problem that's been keeping me from writing: doing a comedic recap/review is harder to do in a written format than a video format than you'd think. I have no idea how sites like Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension and I-Mockery did it back in the pre-YouTube days.

Because of that, I'll be focusing on shorter reviews. Don't worry, I'll still try (and fail) to be funny since these types of movies aren't exactly the ones that require critical examination of their themes and character development. I unfortunately can't promise when the first review of 2020 will drop but I can promise you the subject of said review. Trust me, it's a fitting one....




















Thursday, December 19, 2019

Jingle Jangle Jukebox vol 4: It Came From The North Pole


Here's this year's Christmas mix and here's the 8tracks description:

Christmas time. The only time of year I drink egg nogg, watch Christmas movies and un-ironically listen to August Burns Red. It's time for the annual Christmas playlist. Lots of variety in this one: Everything from John Williams to 45 Grave. It's also the longest one yet at 25 songs. Merry Christmas and happy holidays!


Tracklist:

Intro: Excerpt From Die Hard

1: Christmas at Ground Zero by Weird Al Yankovic
2: The Warm Side of the Door by Lee Montgomery
3: Patrick Swayze Christmas by the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000
4: Home Alone Theme by John Williams
5: The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) by Twisted Sister
6: Things I Want by Tenacious D/Sum 41
7: Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) by Joey Ramone
8: Christmas For Everyone by Halford
9: X-M@$ by Corey Taylor
10: Flurries by August Burns Red
11: Island of Misfit Toys by the Misfits
12: Yuletide '88 by Bart Graft
Interlude: 80's McDonald's Christmas Commercial
13: We Three Kings by the Reverend Horton Heat
14: What Does Christmas Mean To You? by Phaserland
15: Christmastime is Here Again by Helix
16: Jingle Bell Rock by Gary Hoey
17: Last Christmas by Leo Moracchioli
18: Deck The Halls by Oni Logan/Craig Goldy/Tony Franklin/John Tempesta
19: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Tin Idols
20: Christmas Jam by Trans-Siberian Orchestra
21: Another Christmas Beer by Fear
22: Joy To The World by Orion's Reign ft. Minniva
23: The Snow Miser/Heat Miser song by 45 Grave
24: Ode To Joy by Michael Kamen
25: Gonna Have A Rockin' Christmas by Thor
Outro: Home Alone Trailer

Jingle Jangle Jukebox vol 3: Yuletide Madness




This is my 2018 Christmas mix. Here's the original 8tracks description:

It's the holiday season again. There's a chill in the air, houses are covered in lights, Krampus is dragging naughty kids to hell and you need tunes for your Christmas party. Start up the fire, grab yourself a glass of eggnog and listen to the third installment of my annual Christmas playlists. Merry Christmas and happy holidays!



Tracklist:

Intro: Excerpt from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Track 1: A Winter's Tale by Queen

Track 2: Christmas Is The Time to Say "I Love You" by Billy Squier

Track 3: Goth Christmas by the Ornamentals

Track 4: Mistletoe Fantasies by Timecop1983

Track 5: This Christmas Day by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Track 6: Christmas Films Again by Belly Of The Steel Beast

Track 7: White Christmas by Paul Di'Anno

Track 8: Let It Snow by Anti-Nowhere League

Track 9: Gothic Christmas by Within Temptation

Track 10: Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer by August Burns Red

Track 11: Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight) by the Ramones

Track 12: Winter Wonderland by Stryper

Track 13: Wherever I May Roam by Santa Claws and the Naughty But Nice Orchestra

Interlude: Holiday McNuggets Commercial 

Track 14: Deck The Halls by Orion's Reign

Track 15: Wonderful Christmastime by Helix

Track 16: Naughty Christmas by Lacuna Coil

Track 17: Merry Metal Xmas by Doro and Tom Angelripper

Track 18: Scrooged theme/Terrorist Attack by Danny Elfman

Track 19: You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch by Grave Robber

Track 20: I Am Santa Claus by Bob Rivers

Track 21: Rock This Christmas Down by Lita Ford and Cherie Curie

Track 22: Darkest Carols, Faithful Sing by Christopher Lee

Track 23: The Battle on Christmas Dawn by Love Cinema Vol 6

Track 24: Christmas Medley by A Hero For the World

Outro: Merry Christmas Intermission Ad

Jingle Jangle Jukebox vol 2: I've Got Christmas Fever



This is my 2017 Christmas mix. From here on out there's no changes to any of the x-mas mixes. This and the 2018 one haven't been touched since they came out. Here's the original description:

Another mix of atypical Christmas tunes for those of us who are sick of the same old same old shit. Lots of variety on this one: Everything from heavy metal to synthwave to classic rock to punk to even comedy. Merry Christmas and happy holidays!


Tracklist:

Intro: M&M's Holiday Candies 1992 commercial

Track 1: Get Into the Spirit by Halford

Track 2: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Twisted Sister

Track 3: Another Rock and Roll Christmas by Paul Di'Anno

Track 4: Mistress for Christmas by AC/DC

Track 5: Carol of the Bells by Jaunter

Track 6: The Night Santa Went Crazy by Weird Al Yankovic

Track 7: (It's Gonna Be a) Punk Rock Christmas by the Ravers

Track 8: Silent Night by The Dickies

Track 9: Run Rudolph Run by Keith Richards

Track 10: Come On Christmas by Cheap Trick

Track 11: Little Drummer Boy by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

Interlude: TMNT VHS 1990 Christmas Commercial

Track 12: Thank God It's Christmas by Queen

Track 13: Merry X-mas Everybody by Slade

Track 14: Dead by X-mas by Hanoi Rocks

Track 15: Wizards In Winter by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Track 16: Christmas Ride by Fight

Track 17: Heavy Christmas by 220 Volt

Track 18: Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End) by the Darkness

Track 19: Frosty The Snowman by August Burns Red

Track 20: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town by Dokken

Track 21: No Presents For Christmas by King Diamond

Track 22: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen by Ronnie James Dio/Tony Iommi/Simon Wright/Rudy Sarzo

Outro: Pepsi Nintendo Holiday Game 1989 Commercial

































Jingle Jangle Jukebox vol 1: Halloween on Christmas




Since 2016 I've been making annual Halloween and Christmas mix tapes. I first got the idea to do this from some site called "Unwinnable.com" that used to do the same thing. Back in October I wanted to share my Halloween mixtapes with you and give my thoughts on the tracklist and shit like that but life got in the way so instead I'll share my Christmas mixes with you.

The thing both my 2016 Halloween and X-Mas mixtapes have that makes them stand apart from the ones that come after it is that I've been tweaking them for years before finally refining them in 2019. The Halloween one I remade outright but this one I just kept shuffling the original tracklist around and adding/subtracting other songs to make it longer. This is the final version of Halloween on Christmas. If the title's in green that means it was on the first version of this back in 2016.


Tracklist:

Intro: Silent Night Deadly Night tv spot

Track 1: All I Want For Christmas is Halloween by Happy Fangs

Track 2: Monster's Holiday by Bobby "Boris" Pickett

Track 3: Here Comes Krampus by Gary Roadarmel

Track 4: 12 Days of Cryptmas by The Cryptkeeper

Track 5: X-Massacre by Irving Force

Track 6: What's This? by Pellek

Track 7: Christmas with the Devil by Spinal Tap

Track 8: Halloween on X-mas by the Coffin Caddies

Track 9: There Ain't No Sanity Clause by the Damned

Track 10: Santa Claws is Coming To Town by Alice Cooper/Billy Sheehan/John 5/Vinny Appice

Interlude: Excerpt from Silent Night Deadly Night

Track 11: Silent Night Deadly Night by the White Coffin Terror

Track 12: Hail Santa by Wagoner Bros.

Track 13: Jingle Hell by Christopher Lee

Track 14: The Gremlin Rag by Jerry Goldsmith

Track 15: Red Water (Christmas Mourning) by Type O Negative

Track 16: Making Christmas by Rise Against

Track 17: Black X-mas by Venom

Track 18: Christmas by King Diamond

Track 19: Buried for Christmas by Wednesday 13

Track 20: Merry Creepmas by Sam Haynes

Track 21: Christmas Evil by The Krypt-Keeper 5

Track 22: New Year's Evil by Shadow


Outro: Silent Night Deadly Night 2 tv spot

Monday, November 25, 2019

Trash O Rama episode 37: The Force Is Strong In This One




TRASH-O-RAMA! FILMED IN SHOCKING TRASHOSCOPE!

Welcome one and all to Trash-O-Rama, my 40-60 minute series of themed video mixtapes inspired by the likes of Forbidden Transmission and the Hypnotic Eye. For those unaware a video mixtape is the "best parts" of movies, tv shows, music videos, commercials or whatever edited together in a certain fashion.

Today's theme? Star Wars! Expect droids, fan edits, Weird AL, ewoks, commercials, heavy metal, crossover fan films and Snoop Dogg murdering someone with a lightsaber! May the force be with you!