Friday, July 24, 2020

Re: the video dead review

It's been almost 3 months since I said I would review The Video Dead. Here's the thing: I've lost all interest in doing it. I'll get around to reviewing it someday, just not anytime soon. I do have more content for this blog in the works though. See you then!

Sunday, June 28, 2020

Who Killed Captain Alex? (2010) mini-review

(Yeah I know I said my next review was going to be The Video Dead but life got in the way of that. Sue me. It's still going to come out I'm just putting it on the backburner.)

 Not only does the titular question never get answered but the writer/director doesn't even know who killed Captain Alex.

Plot synopsis (taken from IMDB):  The brother of Richard (leader of the Tiger Mafia ) is killed in a shootout, prompting a revenge attack on the army camp. But when troop leader Captain Alex is killed during a raid, a violent war escalates between the two sides. The captain's brother takes matters into his own hands, while mafia henchmen take to the skies to bomb Kampala. Narrated with energy and wit by 'Video Joker' Emmie, ultra-low budget thriller Who Killed Captain Alex became an international viral sensation when its trailer first hit YouTube. Self-taught film-maker Nabwana Isaac Godfrey Geoffrey produced, directed, shot, wrote and edited the film from his home in the slums of Uganda (a.k.a 'Wakaliwood') for under $200.

Who Killed Captain Alex?
is objectively speaking the greatest film ever made. That's right, it's better than Citizen Kane, better than Taxi Driver, better than Godzilla vs. Gigan and all those other films widely regarded as the cream of the crop when it comes to cinema. If Black Panther was made by Wakaliwood Studios it would have actually deserved the best picture nomination. You think I'm exaggerating for comedic effect? Tell me, did any of those movies have a Video Joker cracking jokes about eating German tourists and screaming about how the movie is on? What do you mean you don't know what a Video Joker is?

In Ugandan cinema halls, a Video Joker or "VJ" is someone who talks over Western language films via a mike to ostensibly narrate what's going on. But really they just talk shit the whole time and occasionally point out key plot points. At least that's what VJ Emmie does. All jokes aside, Who Killed Captain Alex? is interesting in that it straddles the line between genuinely being so bad it's good and being intentionally silly.
Thanks Emmie, I thought I was watching Star Wars this whole time.

On the one hand the actors in the film play it completely straight and on the other hand Nabwana Isaac Godfrey Geoffrey (try saying that 3 times fast) makes sure his movies come with their own riffing. I've been talking about VJ Emmie a lot because he honestly steals the show. At first I thought he was annoying but then he started to grow on me. Emmie's rapid fire non sequitur filled commentary has most of the films' funniest lines and spawned almost all the memes associated with Wakaliwood. But I've been talking about VJ Emmie for too long so let's move on to other things.

 I know, I thought Industrial Light and Magic did the effects at first too.

Calling the characters paper thin would be an insult to paper. Only two characters (Richard and Captain Alex) are named at all during the actual film. Shit, the main character doesn't even get a name until the end credits. Who Killed Captain Alex? has less plot and characterization than the average episode of He-Man and The Masters of the Universe. Everything is just a set up for the next batshit insane action scene. The action here though is extremely impressive given the budget was lower than that of the average Asylum flick and it was filmed in the slums of a third world country. The effects are fucking awful and the acting is over the top (From what I can tell. I mean, it's not in English) but these were amateurs trying to make the most out of the situation they were in.
More insightful commentary from VJ Emmie.
I've been avoiding spoiling too much of the movie for 3 reasons. 1: It's an hour long flick you can watch on YouTube for free, 2: there's barely any plot to spoil anyway and 3: I consider this film highly entertaining and I give it my highest recommendation. There's never a dull moment to be had and underneath all the high octane fight scenes, crappy CGI explosions and narrators screaming about dinosaurs is a lot of heart. If I'm going to be honest, this movie is kind of inspiring to me. Isaac Nabwana Godfrey Geoffrey not only managed to make a movie in a part of the world prone to floods, power outages and having no running water but managed to kickstart an entire film industry. Who Killed Captain Alex? might be a ridiculous low quality piece of shit it's a ridiculous low quality piece of shit with passion, soul and most importantly riffiablity. If you like bad movies or just genre films in general you need to give this flick a watch.

Rating: 4/4. Highly Recommended!

But don't take my word for it, watch it for yourself!

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

An Apology and an explanation

Remember earlier this year when I said I'd post more regularly? Well I haven't fulfilled that promise and for that I apologize. The reason for this is that I've been having computer problems. I promise I'll have a new review sometime soon. The next review is of 1987's The Video Dead. See you then!

Saturday, April 11, 2020

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993) mini review

Drinking game challenge: take a shot every time I type out "Jason".
Even the poster for this flick is an ugly mess.

Plot synopsis (taken from IMDB): Jason Voorhees, the living, breathing essence of evil, is back for one fierce, final fling. Tracked down and blown to bits by a special FBI task force, everyone now assumes that he's finally dead. But everyone assumes wrong. Jason has been reborn with the bone-chilling ability to assume the identity of anyone he touches. The terrifying truth is he could be anywhere. Or anybody. In this shocking, blood-soaked finale to Jason's carnage-ridden of terror, the horrible secret of his unstoppable killing instinct is finally revealed.

I'm gonna tell you the truth: this was originally going to be a recap review but I accidentally deleted my notes so I had to do a mini review for this unholy pile of shit film. Whoops.

With that out of the way, let me tell you another truth: If a horror franchise goes on long enough it'd eventually go full retard*. Whether its Busta Rhymes giving Michael Myers an electric shock to the balls, Freddy Krueger using the Power Glove to kill someone or literally everything that happens in Texas Chainsaw Massacre after part 2,  any horror franchise that goes on long enough will eventually get stupid at one point or another. Some franchises redeem themselves, some don't. Horror fans have been conditioned to accept this.

But I don't think any horror fans in 1993 were prepared for how bad Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday turned out to be. I don't knock what people were expecting back then but I feel like it wasn't this:

You're not hallucinating this folks. This is a scene where a coroner chows down on Jason's heart thus allowing Jason's spirit to possess him via a special FX lightshow. Remember when this series started off with a lady slaughtering teens at a summer camp? But wait, it gets better! According to this film Jason is a demonic body hopping worm that can be reborn by possessing a blood relative of his, which is convenient because Jason somehow has a sister despite the first movie clearly stating Pamela Voorhees only had 1 kid. Why New Line Cinema decided to turn the esteemed Mr. Voorhees into a hodgepodge of Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers is beyond me but they did it.

Now I'm going to list some of the many reasons why Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday should be more accurately labeled "Viewers Go To Hell: The Final Insult". Why not? If the movie's not coherent, why should I be?

-This film says that Jason can only be killed by a blood relative. If that's the case how did Tommy Jarvis kill him in part 4?

-For a flick that was pretending to be the grand finale of the Friday the 13th series, the actual Jason Voorhees is only onscreen for maybe 10 minutes. Since the J man is going around possessing people the whole time you never really feel like it's iconic slasher villain Jason Voorhees running around slaughtering folks and not just random people running around slaughtering folks.

Though given how shitty he looks here maybe its a good thing we didn't see more of him.

-Most of the exposition for the film's lore comes from a bounty hunter named Creighton Duke (Steven Williams). While Steven William's performance is 1 of the few highlights of this dirge, at no point in the duration of this movie do they bother explaining how the hell Creighton knows any of the crap he does. Seriously Duke knows literally everything about the whole body shopping family bloodline nonsense and they never tell you how he knows all this.

-There's a scene where Jason straps one of his victims to a table and shaves him before possessing him. This is a real thing that happens and I didn't make it up as a joke. According to the documentary Crystal Lake Memories this was done to add some male fanservice since they thought there was a double standard with all the female fanservice in this series. Putting aside the fact this scene isn't sexy at all this is pretty hypocritical considering this movie has titties in it too.

-The opening scene shows us an FBI operation to take down Jason. Have the feds known about him the whole time? Why didn't they do something about him earlier? Do they know he's a reanimated corpse and not a regular sicko? If so, why aren't they more shocked by irrefutable proof of the supernatural? I wouldn't be asking these questions if this was a movie I liked. In honesty though this was the best scene in this film. it's all downhill from here.

Cool ending. Too bad Freddy Vs. Jason didn't come out until a decade later.

-Oh yeah this a film that reveals Jason Voorhees was a body jumping magical worm monster the entire time and takes this information dead seriously.

With all that said, was there anything I liked? Well I said earlier that I liked the performance of Steven Williams. His character is batshit insane and nothing he does makes sense but Steven acts his ass off with the shoddy material he's given. Most of the acting is solid but Williams is the only standout. Also the special effects and makeup in this flick is genuinely great, some of the best in the franchise. Other than that though this is the worst Friday the 13th film and that's saying a lot considering the next one takes place in outer space. Save your money and watch this highlight reel instead.

Rating: 1 out of 4 stars.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

2020 Texas Gladiators (1983) mini-review

What better time to do a new year's tie-in review than near the end of February? Happy new year, I guess. Also this poster seriously had the balls to put the words "road warrior" on it? Come on!

Plot synopsis (taken from IMDB): "In a post-apocalyptic Texas, a band of warriors fight against a fascist regime that is trying to take control of all surviving population. "

Man, Italy sure fucking loved Mad Max during the eighties. Between 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Warriors of the Wasteland, Interzone, Raiders of Atlantis, Exterminators of the Year 3000, Warrior of the Lost World and today's feature you could argue that shitty Mad Max knock-offs were a genre in of themselves. Speaking of today's feature, 2020 Texas Gladiators was brought to us by the dynamic duo of and Joe D'Amato and George Eastman. Joe D'Amato was the director of such classics as Porno HolocaustZombie 5: Killing Birds, the second Troll 3, and Papaya, Love Godess of the Cannibals. George Eastman was the guy who played a a fetus eating monster in D'Amato's film Anthropophagus.
The esteemed fetus chewer not only co-directed the film but also wrote it and had a supporting role in it.

The Village People protagonists of our film. No I can't tell them apart either. 

That's pretty much all the info I could gather on this flick so let's just jump straight into the review. I'll get this out of the way first: I thought this movie was boring as all hell. You wanna know why this review took so long to write (outside of my ADHD and procrastination problems). Because I honestly had trouble coming up with anything to say about this movie. This movie is completely lacking in originality or creativity. Almost every cliché of 80's post apocalyptic films is in here.  An offscreen nuclear war? Check! A fascist regime who wants to take over for the fallen government? Check! It's Mad Max rip-off 101.

The first 20 minutes of this movie focus on this guy. He's unceremoniously killed off and then hardly ever brought up for the rest of it.

It'd be 1 thing if this movie was an unoriginal knock off that was really entertaining but alas that's not the case. There's not a whole lot of the gore, nudity and batshit insanity you and I want from exploitation films.  A movie called 2020 Texas Gladiators that has no gladiators and was shot in Italy shouldn't take itself so seriously.  This film has a lot of elements that should push it into so bad it's good territory: oiled up beefcakes with bad perms and poorly dubbed voices, native americans played by Italians in dollar store wigs and dodgy face paint, characters named "Catch Dog" and "Nisus" and action scene after action scene. Unfortunately the only part of this movie that I found really entertaining was the opening scene. Let me tell you: I was really excited to watch this movie when it opened up with dudes getting stabbed and nuns getting crucified. Unfortunatly it's all downhill after that and the rest of the picture is merely average.

There's a 10 to 15 minute stretch of this movie that takes place in this mine. It has no baring on the story and is never mentioned again after our heroes escape it.

This movies' not god-awful though. It's only 86 minutes long, there's a lot of action and there was nothing about this movie that made me angry. Honestly though that's another knock against it. It's one thing to be a bad movie, it's another to be a mediocre movie. In conclusion, you're not missing much if you don't watch it but you're not going to be miserable if you decide to check it out. God I really wish this review wasn't as short as it is but 2020 Texas Gladiators didn't give me much material to work with. I literally only picked this movie because it happened to take place this year. Sorry.

You know, all of this leaves me with 1 burning question: If I end this with "Happy New Year" would it be too late or too early?

If these guys are Native American than I'm the emperor of Japan.

Rating: 2 out of 4 stars.

Monday, January 6, 2020

New Year, New Content

We're almost a week into 2019 and If I had more than 1 follower they'd probably notice what a fuckin ghost town this blog is. I've been here for a year and I've only posted 3 reviews and spent more time reposting stuff I've uploaded to other sites. It's been months since I've written anything longer than a paragraph, let alone a review. There are various factors for this: Personal issues, a few months where I didn't have a working computer, my ADHD but there's a big problem that's been keeping me from writing: doing a comedic recap/review is harder to do in a written format than a video format than you'd think. I have no idea how sites like Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension and I-Mockery did it back in the pre-YouTube days.

Because of that, I'll be focusing on shorter reviews. Don't worry, I'll still try (and fail) to be funny since these types of movies aren't exactly the ones that require critical examination of their themes and character development. I unfortunately can't promise when the first review of 2020 will drop but I can promise you the subject of said review. Trust me, it's a fitting one....

Thursday, December 19, 2019

Jingle Jangle Jukebox vol 4: It Came From The North Pole

Here's this year's Christmas mix and here's the 8tracks description:

Christmas time. The only time of year I drink egg nogg, watch Christmas movies and un-ironically listen to August Burns Red. It's time for the annual Christmas playlist. Lots of variety in this one: Everything from John Williams to 45 Grave. It's also the longest one yet at 25 songs. Merry Christmas and happy holidays!


Intro: Excerpt From Die Hard

1: Christmas at Ground Zero by Weird Al Yankovic
2: The Warm Side of the Door by Lee Montgomery
3: Patrick Swayze Christmas by the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000
4: Home Alone Theme by John Williams
5: The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) by Twisted Sister
6: Things I Want by Tenacious D/Sum 41
7: Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) by Joey Ramone
8: Christmas For Everyone by Halford
9: X-M@$ by Corey Taylor
10: Flurries by August Burns Red
11: Island of Misfit Toys by the Misfits
12: Yuletide '88 by Bart Graft
Interlude: 80's McDonald's Christmas Commercial
13: We Three Kings by the Reverend Horton Heat
14: What Does Christmas Mean To You? by Phaserland
15: Christmastime is Here Again by Helix
16: Jingle Bell Rock by Gary Hoey
17: Last Christmas by Leo Moracchioli
18: Deck The Halls by Oni Logan/Craig Goldy/Tony Franklin/John Tempesta
19: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Tin Idols
20: Christmas Jam by Trans-Siberian Orchestra
21: Another Christmas Beer by Fear
22: Joy To The World by Orion's Reign ft. Minniva
23: The Snow Miser/Heat Miser song by 45 Grave
24: Ode To Joy by Michael Kamen
25: Gonna Have A Rockin' Christmas by Thor
Outro: Home Alone Trailer