Who Killed Captain Alex? (2010) mini-review

(Yeah I know I said my next review was going to be The Video Dead but life got in the way of that. Sue me. It's still going to come out I'm just putting it on the backburner.)


 Not only does the titular question never get answered but the writer/director doesn't even know who killed Captain Alex.


Plot synopsis (taken from IMDB):  The brother of Richard (leader of the Tiger Mafia ) is killed in a shootout, prompting a revenge attack on the army camp. But when troop leader Captain Alex is killed during a raid, a violent war escalates between the two sides. The captain's brother takes matters into his own hands, while mafia henchmen take to the skies to bomb Kampala. Narrated with energy and wit by 'Video Joker' Emmie, ultra-low budget thriller Who Killed Captain Alex became an international viral sensation when its trailer first hit YouTube. Self-taught film-maker Nabwana Isaac Godfrey Geoffrey produced, directed, shot, wrote and edited the film from his home in the slums of Uganda (a.k.a 'Wakaliwood') for under $200.



Who Killed Captain Alex? is objectively speaking the greatest film ever made. That's right, it's better than Citizen Kane, better than Taxi Driver, better than Godzilla vs. Gigan and all those other films widely regarded as the cream of the crop when it comes to cinema. If Black Panther was made by Wakaliwood Studios it would have actually deserved the best picture nomination. You think I'm exaggerating for comedic effect? Tell me, did any of those movies have a Video Joker cracking jokes about eating German tourists and screaming about how the movie is on? What do you mean you don't know what a Video Joker is?


In Ugandan cinema halls, a Video Joker or "VJ" is someone who talks over Western language films via a mike to ostensibly narrate what's going on. But really they just talk shit the whole time and occasionally point out key plot points. At least that's what VJ Emmie does. All jokes aside, Who Killed Captain Alex? is interesting in that it straddles the line between genuinely being so bad it's good and being intentionally silly.
Thanks Emmie, I thought I was watching Star Wars this whole time.

On the one hand the actors in the film play it completely straight and on the other hand Nabwana Isaac Godfrey Geoffrey (try saying that 3 times fast) makes sure his movies come with their own riffing. I've been talking about VJ Emmie a lot because he honestly steals the show. At first I thought he was annoying but then he started to grow on me. Emmie's rapid fire non sequitur filled commentary has most of the films' funniest lines and spawned almost all the memes associated with Wakaliwood. But I've been talking about VJ Emmie for too long so let's move on to other things.

 I know, I thought Industrial Light and Magic did the effects at first too.


Calling the characters paper thin would be an insult to paper. Only two characters (Richard and Captain Alex) are named at all during the actual film. Shit, the main character doesn't even get a name until the end credits. Who Killed Captain Alex? has less plot and characterization than the average episode of He-Man and The Masters of the Universe. Everything is just a set up for the next batshit insane action scene. The action here though is extremely impressive given the budget was lower than that of the average Asylum flick and it was filmed in the slums of a third world country. The effects are fucking awful and the acting is over the top (From what I can tell. I mean, it's not in English) but these were amateurs trying to make the most out of the situation they were in.
More insightful commentary from VJ Emmie.
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I've been avoiding spoiling too much of the movie for 3 reasons. 1: It's an hour long flick you can watch on YouTube for free, 2: there's barely any plot to spoil anyway and 3: I consider this film highly entertaining and I give it my highest recommendation. There's never a dull moment to be had and underneath all the high octane fight scenes, crappy CGI explosions and narrators screaming about dinosaurs is a lot of heart. If I'm going to be honest, this movie is kind of inspiring to me. Isaac Nabwana Godfrey Geoffrey not only managed to make a movie in a part of the world prone to floods, power outages and having no running water but managed to kickstart an entire film industry. Who Killed Captain Alex? might be a ridiculous low quality piece of shit it's a ridiculous low quality piece of shit with passion, soul and most importantly riffiablity. If you like bad movies or just genre films in general you need to give this flick a watch.

Rating: 4/4. Highly Recommended!

But don't take my word for it, watch it for yourself!

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993) mini review

Drinking game challenge: take a shot every time I type out "Jason".

Even the poster for this flick is an ugly mess.

Plot synopsis (taken from IMDB): Jason Voorhees, the living, breathing essence of evil, is back for one fierce, final fling. Tracked down and blown to bits by a special FBI task force, everyone now assumes that he's finally dead. But everyone assumes wrong. Jason has been reborn with the bone-chilling ability to assume the identity of anyone he touches. The terrifying truth is he could be anywhere. Or anybody. In this shocking, blood-soaked finale to Jason's carnage-ridden of terror, the horrible secret of his unstoppable killing instinct is finally revealed.

I'm gonna tell you the truth: this was originally going to be a recap review but I accidentally deleted my notes so I had to do a mini review for this unholy pile of shit film. Whoops.

With that out of the way, let me tell you another truth: If a horror franchise goes on long enough it'd eventually go full retard*. Whether its Busta Rhymes giving Michael Myers an electric shock to the balls, Freddy Krueger using the Power Glove to kill someone or literally everything that happens in Texas Chainsaw Massacre after part 2,  any horror franchise that goes on long enough will eventually get stupid at one point or another. Some franchises redeem themselves, some don't. Horror fans have been conditioned to accept this.

But I don't think any horror fans in 1993 were prepared for how bad Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday turned out to be. I don't knock what people were expecting back then but I feel like it wasn't this:


You're not hallucinating this folks. This is a scene where a coroner chows down on Jason's heart thus allowing Jason's spirit to possess him via a special FX lightshow. Remember when this series started off with a lady slaughtering teens at a summer camp? But wait, it gets better! According to this film Jason is a demonic body hopping worm that can be reborn by possessing a blood relative of his, which is convenient because Jason somehow has a sister despite the first movie clearly stating Pamela Voorhees only had 1 kid. Why New Line Cinema decided to turn the esteemed Mr. Voorhees into a hodgepodge of Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers is beyond me but they did it.

Now I'm going to list some of the many reasons why Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday should be more accurately labeled "Viewers Go To Hell: The Final Insult". Why not? If the movie's not coherent, why should I be?

-This film says that Jason can only be killed by a blood relative. If that's the case how did Tommy Jarvis kill him in part 4?

-For a flick that was pretending to be the grand finale of the Friday the 13th series, the actual Jason Voorhees is only onscreen for maybe 10 minutes. Since the J man is going around possessing people the whole time you never really feel like it's iconic slasher villain Jason Voorhees running around slaughtering folks and not just random people running around slaughtering folks.

Though given how shitty he looks here maybe its a good thing we didn't see more of him.

-Most of the exposition for the film's lore comes from a bounty hunter named Creighton Duke (Steven Williams). While Steven William's performance is 1 of the few highlights of this dirge, at no point in the duration of this movie do they bother explaining how the hell Creighton knows any of the crap he does. Seriously Duke knows literally everything about the whole body shopping family bloodline nonsense and they never tell you how he knows all this.


-There's a scene where Jason straps one of his victims to a table and shaves him before possessing him. This is a real thing that happens and I didn't make it up as a joke. According to the documentary Crystal Lake Memories this was done to add some male fanservice since they thought there was a double standard with all the female fanservice in this series. Putting aside the fact this scene isn't sexy at all this is pretty hypocritical considering this movie has titties in it too.


-The opening scene shows us an FBI operation to take down Jason. Have the feds known about him the whole time? Why didn't they do something about him earlier? Do they know he's a reanimated corpse and not a regular sicko? If so, why aren't they more shocked by irrefutable proof of the supernatural? I wouldn't be asking these questions if this was a movie I liked. In honesty though this was the best scene in this film. it's all downhill from here.



Cool ending. Too bad Freddy Vs. Jason didn't come out until a decade later.

-Oh yeah this a film that reveals Jason Voorhees was a body jumping magical worm monster the entire time and takes this information dead seriously.

With all that said, was there anything I liked? Well I said earlier that I liked the performance of Steven Williams. His character is batshit insane and nothing he does makes sense but Steven acts his ass off with the shoddy material he's given. Most of the acting is solid but Williams is the only standout. Also the special effects and makeup in this flick is genuinely great, some of the best in the franchise. Other than that though this is the worst Friday the 13th film and that's saying a lot considering the next one takes place in outer space. Save your money and watch this highlight reel instead.


Rating: 1 out of 4 stars.